Crap, that's what it is!
by MasterFranny
Summary: [Drabble dedicated to TroublesomeAries] [TalaKai] Tala, Kai, and onions... Shounen–ai. Mild reference to ReiMystel.


**MasterFranny:** short, pointless ramble dedicated to Aries1391, who inspired me by saying just one word… onions! XD

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

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**Rating**: K+

**Summary:** short drabble dedicated to Aries1391. Tala, Kai, and onions… Shounen–ai, TalaKai. Mild reference to ReiMystel.

**Warning:** this contains Shounen-ai

**Disclaimer**: I don't own. Who thinks otherwise is insane and in need of medical cures.

"Talking in Russian"

'_Thinking'_

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**Crap, that's what it is**

**One-Shot**

It was a really beautiful day.

The sun was shining. No clouds in the sky. Birds were chirping on the trees. Kids were playing in the streets and people were living their life at their best.

And Rei decided this would be a good day to spend outside, following Mystel around like a shadow, hiding in bushes with binoculars in his hand and a hat on his head to hide his identity.

Kai was left home alone. Well, not completely alone –Tala said he would come at noon. To eat lunch with him.

Kai liked Tala. A lot.

And Tala wanted to eat with Kai.

And they were going to be **all** alone.

Wasn't this a good thing?

Kai and Tala alone in a house?

Nah. To Kai, it was crap.

And what does make a good day like this a complete crap?

Because Rei left this cute, little, coloured note on the table, with little stars and hearts all around it, saying he wasn't coming for lunch.

Hence, he was not cooking.

Hence, there was nothing to eat for Kai, and Tala who was coming for lunch.

Why was this so terrible?

At one side you have Rei. The perfect housewife… ehm, househusband… ehm… well, cook.

Then you have Kai. Gorgeous as much as you like, but completely incapable of even cooking an egg. Hell, he was barely able to make himself a sandwich.

So what did a brilliant mind like Kai in a similar situation?

Call someone to help?

Nah, that would be like admitting he wasn't able to do it by himself.

Order take–away?

Oh, Gods no. That was the easiest way out.

The mighty Hiwatari Kai would never take the easiest way out.

So, then, **what** did he do?

"Onion soup –tasty, easy to make, cheap," Kai read on his –well, Rei's– recipe book. "What you need: onions".

Kai happily bounced towards the fridge.

No onions.

'_Seems like I need to go buy them,'_ he merrily thought.

Three minutes later Kai was on his way towards the market.

Six minutes later Kai was back home –he forgot the money on the table.

Twelve minutes later he was again on his way.

Fifteen minutes later Kai was back home because he forgot to lock the door.

Two hours later Kai managed to buy the onions. Why it took him so much? Because someone was trying to buy **him**. Aka, his fangirls. They spotted him whilst he was paying his onions and chased him around for some time.

After having successfully lost the fangirls Kai returned home, but it was already 11:00 AM and he wasn't still ready.

He put on Rei's least feminine apron, the one light green with the writing 'Who's da sexiest in here? Huh?' and opened the recipe book again.

"Cut the onions whilst you have the water boil…" he read and proceeded into cutting the onions.

At the first three cuts, nothing happened.

At the fourth one, he felt his left eye itch and he scratched it with his left hand –the one holding the onion.

At the fifth tears were forming into the corners of his eyes.

At the sixth he rubbed his hands against his closed eyelids, wincing from the pain.

He kept on trying however, downing on the devil onions the knife, but he had to stop to wipe the tears from his face, smudging his paint as well.

Then he couldn't see anymore.

That was how Tala found him.

Mister Sexiness had decided to come earlier so to spend more time with his love –the latter being Kai– and opened the door whistling, strangely in a happy mood.

Tala entered the kitchen.

Kai was turning his back to him.

Tala greeted, "hey Kai!"

Kai turned to Tala.

Tala's mind went kaput.

Who on their right mind wouldn't have?

There he was, the hot, hot, hot –did I already said hot?– Kai Hiwatari, with puffed red eyes, and tears streaming down his cheeks, looking at him. Crimson eyes looking so much bigger, watery and teary, blinking in order to gain back their sight.

Earth to Mr. Sexiness…

Nope, Tala was gone.

"Tala?" Kai sobbed.

With his blurred vision he saw something flashing red approaching, and the next thing he knew was a pair of lips against his.

He reacted in shock by raising his right hand… forgetting he was holding a knife with it.

So, he chopped one of Tala's long bangs.

Tala yelped.

Kai yelped –but for another reason.

"Sorry! Did I cut something!" he couldn't see a damn thing.

Damn onions, they were pure crap.

Tala looked down at his hair now lying on the floor in shock.

Then he looked back at Kai's teary and super kawaii face.

Then, he removed the knife from Kai's hand, placed it very faaaaaar away, turned to Kai again, and jumped on him.

Kai yelped again –and again, for another reason.

I don't need to say that the Chinese Take Away found itself 2500 yen richer that day, the onions found a pretty new house in the trash can, and Kai got laid… a lot of times.

**Owari**

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**MasterFranny:** done. This was really short, was it? Now, be good and leave a review:) Dun really know how to make onion soup so –shrugs.


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